Meredith Mickelson shares how her brother Daniel's death deeply impacted her mental health and life perspective
NEED TO KNOW
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She opened up to PEOPLE about the ups and downs of her grief in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month
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The model found purpose in acting, inspired by her brother's passion, and hopes to spark honest conversations about addiction and loss
Meredith Mickelsonis opening up about how her brother's death shaped her mental health.
In honor of May's Mental Health Awareness Month, the 26-year-old model spoke to PEOPLE about the ups and downs of navigating grief after losing her brother, actorDaniel Mickelson, to an aaccidental overdosein 2021.
Meredith and Daniel had always been extremely close. The siblings, originally from a small town in Georgia, even lived together in Los Angeles before Daniel got his own place in the same building.
“When he moved into his own apartment, we would still do dinner together every night. He was my literal best friend,” she tells PEOPLE. “Everyone thought we were twins but he was two years older than me. I've never met a closer sibling duo. I like to take the credit for that. He was my biggest supporter in everything.”
In the years before his death, Meredith recognized her brother's struggle with addiction. He attended a “party school” in Alabama and then moved to Los Angeles, which she says exacerbated his substance abuse. However, he was “doing all the right steps” — like a 12-step program — to keep his life on track.
“I didn't really understand it at the time,” she admits. “I always would get mad at him like, ‘Why would you do this? You know it hurts you.' But I knew he was openly struggling with it.”
“He knew that he needed to get a handle on it though because he didn't wanna be that guy,” she explains. “It's not like he was some crazy drug addict. He was a normal kid in L.A. who partied a lot. And that's why when he passed away, it was such a shock to me and everyone around us because it wasn't like he was some out of control kid.”
Daniel was 23 when he died on July 4, 2021, a day Meredith recalls being the worst moment of her life.
“The first few days were insanely difficult," she says. “I think I blacked out if I'm being honest. It was pretty horrible while we were all navigating it and trying to process it at all. It was very, very hard.”
“There's no rule book with grief,” she adds. “There's no one who can really help you.”
For Meredith, staying in the apartment building she shared with her brother was a constant reminder of the crushing loss. She left a few months later.
“I ran away to Paris. I ran away from the States. I ran away from everyone I knew and just was like, ‘I wanna start a new life.' I just didn't wanna face anything,” she says.
“Most people would find comfort in their friends and stuff. I just didn't wanna be a burden to anyone, so I just removed myself,” she continues. “I kinda just dealt with the emotions myself, just let myself feel them and also not let myself feel them, and try and figure out ways to fill the void.”
While Meredith lived in Paris, her mental health suffered as she “created a pretend life” for a short while. “I know everyone goes through death, but it's so weird because when it happens, you feel so alone,” she says.
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After nine months, she realized that she needed to pick herself up and return to Los Angeles.
“My brother would kill all of us if we did not live fully or we were super sad every single day and it just felt like a major injustice to him if we all kind of crumbled,” she says. “I find grief very interesting because as everyone says, it comes in waves. And I feel like it's when I either black it out or allow it in. But what helps me heal the most is his voice, like, him being like, ‘Go do the things that I couldn't do.' ”
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Meredith says she learned to overcome her grief by taking on her brother's love for acting, which he also encouraged her to try. She's since made appearances in shows likeThe Beauty,EuphoriaandThe Madison.
“He was an actor and he was obsessed. That was his life. And then when he died, I poured pretty much everything into acting.”
“In some weird way, I feel like his full passion went into me. I took on a whole new career path and that has helped me heal a lot because it's very challenging and it's something that I know he's super proud of,” she says.
Although allowing herself to be alone and “sit with the reality” of Daniel's death was beneficial in some ways, she also started to lean on friends and family to help her through those tough moments.
That's one of the reasons why she decided to share her experience. As Meredith continues her healing journey, she hopes her story will open up conversations about addiction and death and remove some of the stigma surrounding those issues.
“I feel like death isn't talked about ever. I understand why, it's a hard subject, but at the same time, it is a reality for everyone in life and it sucks. And if no one wants to talk about it, you can't have that support system.”
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“Also, drugs aren't cool and I feel like people don't take it as seriously as they should,” she adds. “It's so heavily hyped up right now and it just needs to be emphasized that there is a safe way to have fun and, you know, you're guaranteed to live.”
Meredith tells PEOPLE that Daniel has become her life's purpose. She admits that her grief remains a challenge every single day, but her mental health has improved along the way.
“I've really had to learn to try and not tie every sadness or loss or something into my brother,” she says. “I used to think everything was so important, so the end of the world. Now the things that have meaning to me are way different. It's the relationships I have, it's the connections I make. It's not the job, it's the people I meet on the job. Everything has a lot more meaning now in that way.”
“I don't know if I'll ever heal fully, but I feel like my mental health weirdly has gotten better.”
Read the original article onPeople
